Something to chew on

'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become *one flesh'

Despite the “Down Low” and a preponderance of sexually transmitted diseases, cheating is alive and well. And it seems that there are a range of attitudes on the subject.

What are your views on infidelity? Do you think it’s OK just because you are single? If you are married do you think it’s fine if you aren’t getting what you want out of the relationship? If you cheat when you are single or have sex for sport do you think there is a switch that gets flipped that causes that part of you to go away once you are in a “committed” relationship? If you indulge in the act, what does cheating say about the love you profess for your mate? Can the actions ever be justified?

For the record, I have cheated and been cheated on in my lifetime. For a long time I had a casual attitude toward cheating. I was always the cat who worked hard not to get caught. Always the dude who thought it was ok as long as it wasn’t done to me. Of course, I was wrong. What I didn’t realize then was that cheating shouldn’t have ever been an option if I was in love, because love doesn’t cheat and no matter what issues you may be going through, true love endures all.

So today when I found out my barber and his wife of 13 years were getting a divorce, I couldn’t believe my ears. She left him for another man, a younger man. He and his wife are both in their early forties and her new man is twenty eight. She said she had been unhappy for five years. He said he had no idea. He admitted to cheating in the past, but said this caught him totally off guard. He said despite having ever dipped on her, he would never leave.

I’ve known him and his wife for a number of years and both are attractive people, both are Christian. So, I’m wondering, what are we doing? What’s happening to our relationships? Are we talking about our issues before it’s too late or are we just doing what makes us happy?

Check your views, check your standards, and check yourself, because what you acquiesce to now, you may have to endure later.

Have you ever cheated or been cheated on? How did you feel afterwards, either instance?

Come on in the house, make yourself comfortable and let’s have a candid discussion.

Let’s start with these two thoughts:

Infidelity is the result of living unfaithfully to *oneself.

Creating an attitude of compromise regarding unfaithfulness sets the table for you to eat a meal of betrayal.


CapCity said...

Never having been married - my first reaction to your barber's divorce is: Go ON Sis wicha BAD self! getting a 20something year old! Men aren't the only ones trading in for newer models! And she endured 5 unhappy years that "he had NO idea about"? Good for her! Wooo HOOO! (don't hate on me - why didn't HE realize that she was not happy in 5 years?)

I've never cheated on anyone I've been in relationship with, but I have been "the other woman"...until I got sick of that! So, tired of hearing men's excuses for staying IN bad relationships & can't believe that I BELIEVED half that SHYTTTTT!

I guess tonite i'm trolling the blogs cuz i'm tired....emotionally drained and have not an answer IN SIGHT! Listened to M.Baisden in ATL & that brought me down even further...I think a full moon is coming on cuz i'm feeling - blech! Generally, I'm pretty happy being single (specially listening to the drama of some upstairs neighbors *eyes rolling w/a smirk*)....but, it's getting played and i'm tired of the games & playahs...but - what can ya do? so, *sigh* - putting on my game face - cuz: THE WEEKEND's HERE & I'm GOING BACK out there to see what's what! At the very least I'll enjoy the drinking & flirting (it's all i have for now. LOL!)

Have a great weekend - looking forward to you married types to give us some wisdom. Har De har HAR (scuz me if my sarcasm shows;-)!!

* just in case Lance comes thru - yea, i still believe in soul mates...just think mine may have lived in a different time & place. LOL!!!!

Mega Rich said...

So, I guess you don't subscribe to the for better or worse theory. You applaud her actions? Not to say I haven't been selfish before, but are marriages that easily disposable?

jali said...

It's easier for me to walk away from a relationship than to cheat. (I'm a many-married chick)

I'm a BIG flirt, but I'd never cross the boundaries I've set for myself.

Oh, divorce ain't nuttin' but a couple hundred bucks. (smile)

Blogger won't let me leave a message as a wordpress user - it forced me to log into my old blogger account.

Opinionated Diva said...

I've never cheated on a mate...when I'm ready to move on I just do and I wouldn't say I was never cheated on, but I've never suspected it. NO I do not think it is ever acceptable. Why stay with someone if you know you want to continue seeing other people?

As for the couple...seems they were both unhappy. The fact that the hubby cheated and says but he would never leave her, really doesn't make what he did any more acceptable. How could he not know she was unhappy if he himself was cheating? Obviously something was missing for him as well.

I applaud her actions as well. Why stay in a miserable marriage when you're both so miserable you're seeking comfort from others? Some relationships just can't be repaired.

Mizrepresent said...

Cheating destroys a marriage and a relationship. Not many can recover, although one may forgive, to completely heal from it is almost impossible. Sure you can vow to stay together, but at what costs, for cheating will cause you to lose trust, fall out of love, and thus leave two people not being happy. Cheating is a festering wound, with no band-aid.

Ticia said...

Hey Rich...

Geez..this is too bad... here we go again with the 80/20 rule...which is in effect....

I have never cheated.. I love, Love... I love God and want to follow his ways...and his commandments.....

Pray for your barber...

shelia said...

I don't agree with cheating. If it gets to that point then apparently the issues in the relationship are too much and the two people involved need to think about going their separate ways or working on resolving their problems.

The excuse of "it just happened" doesn't fly. Hate to be graphic, but the only time "it just happens" is if its rape...otherwise, the person doing the cheating knows what their "point of no return" is and should not get themselves caught up like that.

CapCity said...

Rich, I pray for "'til death do us part" & don't think marriage is disposable...which is one reason I've never BEEN married...i can't imagine going INTO such a sacred union & then cheating as if that's "nothing. The rest of the sistahs said it best & it seems like some of them have been married before (or still are) - so, they know it FIRST hand.

I applaud the wife b'cuz she's LEAVING the union to be with another - apparently the husband was willing to stay & continue cheating or simply live out a sad existence...(maybe 'til death do us part means until this relationship dies...)

Mega Rich said...

Y'all been busy, but I must oomment on a few things:

Oh, divorce ain't nuttin' but a couple hundred bucks.

I guess once you jump that hurdle once, it's just a drop in the bucket.

How could he not know she was unhappy if he himself was cheating?

What if his lax attitude on cheating as a single man filtered over into his married life. Some guys do it, just because they can, it doesn't mean they "love" their spouse any less - but again the need to reasses what "love" is comes into play.

Cheating is a festering wound, with no band-aid.

To say that is to say that God is not all powerful and able to heal all wounds.

here we go again with the 80/20 rule

Most definitely in effect

the person doing the cheating knows what their "point of no return" is and should not get themselves caught up like that.

And the definition of sin is what? If we had the power to overcome, we wouldn't need a Saviour.

...(maybe 'til death do us part means until this relationship dies...)

Insightful, but unsure of that interpretation.

Where the fella's at?

CapCity said...

Where the fellas at? prolly somewhere cheatin'!! LOL! I couldn't resist;-)

That thought came to me about the death do us part = death of relationship JUST as I was responding to u about whether i felt marriage is, it's open for interpretation, i guess;-).

Mizrepresent said...


Adultery is a sin, God forgives the sinner, not the sin. I said in all probability a marriage can't survive "cheating", it is then probable for a man and a woman seeking counsel from God, and truly believing that they can heal, along with constantly working to rebuild the "broken", marriage and vows can survive such. This is not the case with a "serial cheater", the man/woman who does it whenever he/she is unhappy with her mate. BTW you keep saying or asking are marriages disposable, well the answer is bad marriages need to be. People shouldn't stay married to a cheating, wife-beating, outside baby-making, lying, no good, just for the sake of marriage. I read an article just the other day addressing Christians and divorce and how the church views such...this is just a bit of an excerpt...

"As the article's author, the British Evangelical scholar David Instone-Brewer, points out, for most of 2,000 years Christians have viewed divorce through two scriptural citations. In Matthew, the pharisees ask Christ, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause?" Jesus refers to the Old Testament and then replies, "Whoever divorces a wife, except for sexual indecency, commits adultery." The apostle Paul adds in the book First Corinthians that a Christian is "not bound" to a non-Christian spouse who abandons him. Simple, right?

Instone-Brewer radically reinterprets the first passage using, of all things, quotation marks. The Greek of the New Testament didn't always contain them, and scholars agree that sometimes they must be added in to make sense of it. Instone-Brewer, an expert in Jewish thought during Jesus's era, writes that Christ's interlocutors were not asking him whether there was any cause at all for divorce, but whether he supported something called "any-cause" divorce, a term a little bit like "no-fault" that allowed husbands to divorce wives for any reason at all. Instone-Brewer claims Jesus's "no" was a response to this idea, and that his "except for sexual indecency" condition was not a statement of the sole exemption from God's blanket prohibition, but merely Christ's reiteration of one of several divorce permissions in the Old Testament — one he felt the "any-time" advocates had exaggerated. Finally, Instone-Brewer tallies four grounds for divorce he finds affirmed in both Old and New Testaments: adultery, emotional and sexual neglect, abandonment (by anyone) and abuse."


Femigog said...

Hey Rich. I dont have a good Christian response for you. I am not a Christian but I do believe in balance and karma.
I have cheated and hurt people in the past and have gotten the same done to me in turn and I dont think that there is a lack of love but a lack of faith in that love. Sometimes we just dont believe that love is present when the hard part starts happening. We bail when shit gets tough because we dont feel that Love is gonna be enough. So we dont even try sometimes, we just cop out. That is what cheating is, a cop out on love and commitment.

And LOL at CapCity!

Mega Rich said...

I've been visiting this church and the pastor there recently preached, in light of all the problems with preacher marriages (Paula White and Juanita Bynum come to mind) that divorce is only acceptable under the guise of the three A's.

Adultery, Abuse, and Abandonment.

I like the way you expounded that. For the habitual offender I would agree, but I'm just wondering if people are jumping at the first sign of trouble.

Mega Rich said...

@Femigog -- a cop out on love and commitment -- I like that

Mega Rich said...

@CAP, that was cold. Meanwhile, you looking for a brother to fill your quiet spaces.

Xcentric Pryncess said...

I am so late...but I have cheated and been cheated on and the latter feels much worse. I did find however that after I was cheated on, I lost a lot of respect for the guy and the relationship was never, ever the same.

Mega Rich said...

It's amazing how those double edged swords seem sharper when they cut you.

Girly_Girl said...

I can't believe I didn't see this post earlier.

I have a ton to say on the subject BUT I will save it for when we all meet in person.

MysTery said...

Never cheated on anyone, but I have been cheated on.

That man said he was cheating and didn't know his wife was unhappy....come on now buddy. Let's be honest...that doesn't make much sense.

Nice quotes at the end. I will have to pass those on.

Good post.

Secret said...

Love is a funny thing. Or shall I say lust? You be the judge depending on your own situation. I have been cheated and been cheated on. None of it is good or right for that matter. All I can say is, it's hard to judge others when you don't know there situation or circumstances. Everything isn't just black and white.