Wednesday

Ask The Rich House Reader

I'm thinking of reviving this "advice column" that I started over a year ago. To see previous letters, view the links to Reading By The Labels and choose "Ask The Rich House." These situations do not reflect my life, but situations that I feel are common in today's society. If you have an issue you would like advice on please send an email to therichhouse@yahoo.com with the words "Ask The Rich House" in the subject line. Your anonymity will be maintained and we will let the readers of this blog chime in on your letter. And now, today's letter.


Dear Rich House Reader,

I am a single, 34-year-old male in my first relationship. For most of my life I avoided sexual relationships because I thought I was to be a minister. However, I decided to start dating a woman at work that I've known for 12 years. We've been together for over 2 years now and are engaged. The problem; however, is her youngest son. He's 16 and is known to be a problem child and loves to bully people and instigate fights at school and in the neighborhood. I've tried talking to him about his actions and about whether this has anything to do with me and his mother. He says that he likes me, but his actions say that he doesn't want to share his mother with anybody. People have told me that I am too nice a guy to marry a woman with a mean, hateful child. I have no kids. She has two. She is also nine years older than I. Any conversation we have about her child causes an argument, yet she refuses to go with me to seek advice on step families. She feels that I am looking for excuses to end the relationship, but I love this woman. What help can you suggest?

Signed

Frustrated and in love

23 comments:

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

as long as you dont threaten to do bodily harm to her children u good, i had that happen to me in a prior relationship, she asked me to choose her or my son...maybe this will help. chk out my latest post and ans on what it means to be a father

Darius T. Williams said...

What do you do? Get the hell outta dodge. No really. I'm so serious.

*sidebar* I thought I was going to be a minister too. I got my undergrad in Biblical Studies/Urban Ministry...favorite bible character is Jacob.

Anyway, bruh, realize that marriage is until death does you two part. She has two dayum near grown ass kids who have been living their life a certain way before you. This means that you as a father figure won't work because damn near grown ass kids don't submit or see you as such. My stepfather came in my life at the age of 13, gave my mother two great kids, but cause so much tension. My mother and he are now divorced, my mother is struggling, and she neglected me for him. It drove a huge ass wedge between us and now I'm trying (with the help of the Holy Spirit) to repair a damaged ass relationship with my mother. It's so hard.

This is a tricky situation. You've got to either go into it willing to deal with everything that comes. OR, you've got to decide that you love her and when it comes to her children that you won't say a word. Which...will be hard because as the man of the family, you've got some competition.

Good luck w/this. With God you can do all things, you know that Reverend! But for real, this will be a true test of times and faith.

-DTW

Keisha "Kitten" Isaacs said...

This sounds like a complicated situation, but you know that with prayer the impossible is possible when God enters the equation. Interesting that most men I know refuse to seek help and so I admire that you are willing to do that and it truly shows how much you care.

Do you spent one-on-one time with the son? Times where you two are bonding without the mother and other child? My friend's son used to have issues because he felt like the man was only there for the mother and not him. It's important that step children know that you care about their relationship with the biological parent and that you care about having a relationship with them as the step parent.

Rich keep praying for your soon to be family.

Lance said...

well..
well..
well..

the aforementioned comments before me are pussyfooting around on the issue. those that know me, knows i keep shit real!

first of all...
you need to "man" up and take mama's titty out that boy's mouth and put it in yours. lay your claim, that's your woman, if you're engaged.

second....
you need to "reinvent" the ass-whuppin' to him. not with a belt, switch or even a extention cord. at 16, gettin' whipped by that shit is like mosquito bites. obviously ain't no father figga to lead or guide him, so that why he's punkin' YOU out. you gon' have to put a fist in his stomach, complimented it with a foot in his ass.

and then give him a hug and a trip to dairy queen. and talk about it.

it's tough love with sensibility. it'll fugg his head up but he won't step to you or mama with no dumb shit to get over with.

at the end of the day, it's a losing battle bruh. you probably on that age shit of "he's gonna be 18 soon and out the door"...in reality "mamas and sons" & "fathers and daughters" are closer than close til death. don't even try to interrupt that bond. he's been knowin' mama for 16 years and in the last two, you been back up in the cut, bustin' nuts and gettin' a goodnight's sleep. he ain't feelin' and if i was him, i wouldn't be either.

you gon' have to work with mama LESS and just work with the kids alone MORE. just do daddy shit, from the heart and being a man and don't let yo' woman dictate yo game. cause if she's gonna remote control yo ass in how you should handle HER kids in Y'ALLs house you in a losing battle.

...and by the way, what the hell you doing chasin' after someone nine years older than you anyway?

let's do the math, my peeples....

knowing her for 12 years...he's 34 now, made him 22 then AND I REMIND YOU A VIRGIN. she was at least 31 and at least had the boy, hmmmmm...was it her motherly ways that attracted you to her during those years, if so...run like hell!!!!!

and besides, as most men get older, then want a "seed" on this earth. if she doesn't want to have anymore children, your ass is sitting on tough luck hill. and at 43? already with two? hell to the naw...mama is catchin' her second wind and you betta get all the draws you can!

(;-P

the lanceman has spoken....

The Pew View said...

See baby you oughta get with me since you likes older women. I ain't got nane one of my 13 childrens living at home so you ain't gotta worry bout no mess. It'll just be you and me and maybe my current sugarson Tyron from time to time. Call me chile' ole' Ruthie Ann will sho nuff make you feel better.
Take care now.

Signed
Ruthie Ann

Lance said...

13 CHILDREN?!!!!!

God Bless Ruthie Ann, but yo dude, take a cue from Slick Rick!

....hee-hee (;-P

KIKI said...

Lance basically said what I was gonna say. Dont get me wrong....I'm all for prayer & all that good stuff...but that boy needs a foot put in his ass...cause if you dont he'll never respect you.

And if his momma is keeping you from doing your role as the man of the house(which I would assume also means being a father figure to the children), then she's not looking for a real man in the first place...she's looking for a play thing.

Rich said...

These types of relationships take special handling, because there are so many facets to them. Great responses.

Mizrepresent said...

lol@Lance,

You sound and will act like Ving Rhames from "Baby Boy"....

"Ma, ma - he drunk all the cool-aid!"

Great responses.

bbgcmac said...

Damn Lance!

Thats why your my man!

SheliaG said...

Great responses. If you marry her, you're getting a package deal. First you and her must come to an understanding reference the kids and get on one accord. At his age, it's going to be difficult to discipline him. He's basically grown (although we know he's not really).

If you're going to marry her, you're supposed to be the head of household and if she can't respect your views on this subject now, don't think it's going to change after you say "I do."

Pray about it and talk to her about it. If you can't come to something you feel you can live with, you might need to wait until the kids are out of the house before marrying. Just remember whatver problems you're dealing with now magnify once married :)

12kyle said...

damn! This is a tough call. Maybe he should get the mother more involved so that she can help bridge the relationship between the 2 of them.

good post, Rich

sista gp said...

Frustrated,
From a step-mom point of view, you and your fiancee will have to be on the same page as to how to deal with the kids BEFORE you work with her son. She will have to respect and support your decisions.
My husband and I have been together for almmost 14 years, lived together prior to being married for 10. His daughter was six when I first met her and at that age she could not understand why mommy and daddy were not together anymore. She tried to play us against each other, but at that age it was expected, no fault to her. Me having the support of her father, she had no choice to respect me in my home. She is 19 now and just graduated with an Associates Culinary degree. We have a respectful and cordial relationship. That would not have happened without the solid front her father and I always shared.

So my advice is to settle the parenting issues with your fiancee now.
"A house divided against itself cannot stand."

Ticia said...

Oh.....
Ah.....

PRAY....
Ask the Lord for guidance - For HIM to show you the way....


This is tough..

Ticia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CapCity said...

lurkin' & Laughin' my azz off @ the wisdom of the LanceMan!

Lance said...

i'm tellin' y'all....all he has to do is just be a man.

ain't no praying involve.
no beggin' forgiveness.

just a foot in that boy's ass and laying the rules down with mama.

he's gonna have to do it sooner or later. it's best to do it now BEFORE marriage than to git into it AFTER a marriage where mama and boy looks at him like a fool

and they'll be right...

B_More BAP Life said...

In my opinion....It will only get worse...

DreamCop08 said...

*waving* hey Rich and definitely hey to Lance also for hitting it dead on the head with what I wanted to say.

I think ole boy needs to fudge a few more women and then let us know if he is willing to deal with all that drama.

like b_more_bap life said it will only get worse. right now ole boy is just ussy whipped.

lmao at ruthie ann, you are a mess

Don said...

love this. i don't think i blogged when you started this. great deal though. verbal vixen has a weekly dr. wanna segment going on o hell nawl blog. both are good stuff.

if i was in this situation, and i really liked the woman, i'd definitely stick it out. the son has to leave the crib sooner or later. he also has to grow up sooner or later. if things arrived @ the point where i couldn't deal with it any longer, i'd walk away.

but for the most part, yes, i would continue to love the woman and deal with the 16 year old.

Lance said...

hmmmm, don got me a thinkin'....

now, lance. don't be a hippocrit.

have i been pussy-whipp'd before?...hmmm, indeed.

so, i can understand what bruh is going thru...but wif a 16 years old boy that smellin' himself as the MAN and a mama that still got her tit in his mouf and has another kid?...that's a helluva fight for a 34 year old with no kids and a back'd up load to blow!

it's something about the power of that pu-nanny, pu-nanny,--- pu-nanny, pu-nanny, heyyyyy!

Jewells said...

Sounds like he really loves this woman. The question is...does she really love him?

If she's not willing to go to counseling and only using the copout that he's just looking for a reason out, sounds like she might be looking for one too.

He needs to pay attention to the signs.

I like this.

Lance said...

@ jewells: he can't see the signs if he's pussy-whipp'd.

y'all kno' how to do dat thang...