Wednesday

The Mall Whore

I was in the mall on Tuesday evening waiting on the wife to finish some shopping. As I was strolling through the mall while also keeping an eye on my little fella as he tried to touch everything he could get his hands on, I was approached by a sales lady. She was about 5'5", long brunette hair and she had nice eyes. I didn't look close enough to see the color, but there was something about the way she was looking at me. She wanted me to try some lotion. Some lotion, I thought. Do I look ashy? But wait. This was special lotion.

I don’t know what it was. Maybe the way she appealed to me to try it, maybe the way her eyes searched me for compassion for her plight, but I found myself holding out my hand. She dumped some sea salt crystals in my hand and asked me to begin washing them over a white bowl. “How does that feel….Richard” she said looking down at my security badge from work. “It’s okay,” I said to let her know I wasn’t buying jack. I continued to follow her directions, “Rub the top of your hands.” Then she pours water over them and shows me all this supposed dead skin. She reaches for the magic lotion. “Now put a little of this on,” she said trying to ease into her close.

“Doesn’t that feel great!” You would have thought I had just been given fellatio by the look in her eyes.
“It’s okay,” I said, determined to get away with my money intact.
“Just okay,” she said moving into my personal space. She touches my hand. I look around for my son who’s now trying on designer $12 shades at the next booth over.

“Yeah, it’s just okay.”
“You got to be kidding me, your hands feel wonderful. Imagine how this would feel on your feet.” I started to shock her and take me shoes off and tell her to get to rubbing, but I chilled. I was more worried my wife was going to walk up on me while this lady was smiling and rubbing on me.

“Look, it feels okay, but I’m not buying anything. I’m just wasting time until my wife comes to meet me.” I had to say something; this chick was looking at me like she wanted to do me. In case she didn’t see the ring, I needed her to know I was married. I was getting uncomfortable as she looked dreamily at me trying to sell me some doggone lotion. My son came over oblivious to this woman prostituting herself for a sale.

“What’s your name,” she said. Here we go, I thought. Trying to use my son to show some sincerity.

“Miles,” he said.
“That’s a nice name,” she followed.
“Hey, thanks for the lotion, we are going to get going, ” I said.
“Before you go, let me share this deal with you.” She says as she enters my personal space again. Man, she is relentless. I look around to see if wifey is coming. “The sea salt normal goes for $45, because it’s a years supply and the lotion goes for $40, but since I’ve had such a great day and you’ve been such a great guy, I’ll give you both for the cost of the sea salt alone.”
I give her my do I look like I was born yesterday look.

“I’m really not interested today. I just spent a ton of money dropping my daughter off to college.” Where is my wife at? She sure is taking forever to come out of Macy's.
“You don’t have a daughter in college,” she says in a surprising tone.
“Yes I do. I’ll be 40 this year.”
“You don’t look that old,” she says looking at me like I’m the one selling lies.

I pull out my drivers license, clearly flattered that I have the youthful look going. I also figure I’m going nowhere fast. Not to mention, I backed up to get her up out of my face, as she continues to look on smiling like she wants to do me on the spot. Man she has no shame. Doesn’t she see these people walking around? I know I'm fly and all, but damn.

“Wow, you look good for your age.”
“Thanks. So, like I was saying I’m not interested today, but thanks for the offer.”

Girlfriend turns around and tries to sell me another smaller combination for $20, but when I’m not buying….I’m not buying. As I walked off I started tripping about what just went down. I wondered if she was digging me. I let the thought leave me, but I ended up walking back past her about 10 minutes later. “Hi Miles,” she says, but we kept on walking, I wasn't in the mood for another sales attempt. I still hadn’t found my wife, so I was a sitting duck. Did I mention that I hate shopping? So we go sit on the sofa strategically placed in the mall for weary husbands and old folks trying to catch a breather. I can see her sales counter from where I’m sitting. I see a tall blonde guy approaching. He presents the same apprehensiveness that I exhibited, but she reels him in, with just as much ease as she had done with me. I watch as she repeats her flirting sales manner and in that moment it hits me. She was never digging me, it was all about the sale, she's nothing more, than a mall whore.

12 comments:

Shelia said...

Yep...shaking my head...she was after the sale...by any words necessary...lol

CapCity said...

this is too funny to me! i'm not sure if she's a "whore" - but sounds like she's screwing U "old" men who need your....egos stroked & she seems to be GOOD at it! LOL!

Mizrepresent said...

lol, they try the same thing with women!

Shelia said...

I love the story and the way you tell it, but I have to agree with capcity, I don't think that her behavior to make a sale makes her a whore. You left with your zipper and home in tact and so did she. Overly aggressive sales person yes, whore, no. She put it out there, but your perception of it is your own.

Mega Rich said...

I use the term "mall whore" loosely. I really meant it to say she's putting her self out there just to make a sale. Saying and doing things that most wouldn't do to get the money out of you. Flirting is one thing but this chick was acting like she was ready to slob me down (french kiss) just to get me to buy some sea salt and lotion.

Sheletha said...

shes no worse than the GQ man trying to keep me from going to the nail salon because of his buffing cream...


you mean to tell me that Miles didn't put his mack down????

you hate shopping???? (gasp! blasphemy!!!)

Sojourner G said...

New Jack Hustla's yo.

CapCity said...

well, call me what u will when my books come out - but i'll be batting eyes too if it'll sell my "babies" - so, mama can feed her shoe-habit! LOL!

really, Bro Rich - loose use or not what is it REALLY when u need to make ends meet? least she didn't back u down one of those mall "alleys" & put a gun to your head. LOL! hand creams don't sell themselves ('cept for vaseline which has the Black community on LOCK! LOL!)

Diva said...

Yeah dawg, she got you!

Shai said...

You hate shopping. I would have never guessed. LOL. SMH.

Hand rubbing is sensual. Get a person relaxed and you can get them to spend money.

If you were selling the lotion would you through on the Rich charm. LOL. When you gotta hustle hey you use what you got right? LOL.

cmac said...

rich - your writing skills are excellent - you are a great story teller. Keep it up! you have the VOICE!

Ticia said...

This is too funny and true---
I hate seeing these women---they try it on me!